Its the bitch of living...

So here i am after a long and hard day feeling a little shit, do you want to no why? well let me enlighten you.
I woke up feeling a bit odd, you know when you feel  like you have been whacked over the head with a bat for no reason, just had a weird feeling. But ignored it then as everyone left the house for work i got dressed, i still had this gut feeling when i was in the shower singing the bitch of living to myself , that their was something going to happen, maybe the letter from RADA was coming, i don't no why i felt it , but i did. Any way i got out the shower and thought ok well i am not going to look unless i am completely ready to leave the house( so i didn't) and as i opened the door i saw two letters addressed to me, oh shit , one was from RADA oh god, opened the other one first( just my discount card for seven dials shops cos of actors Centre) but then i had to open the other letter didn't i, i stared down at the carpet for what seemed like hours and then just took the plunge, it felt light- not good sign, and yes i was right , it wasn't good." loved meeting you, but not this year frances, your too young" - oh god my hands shaking , feeling a bit sick i put it back in the letter and then opened it again thinking it would suddenly change, but it didn't, the words no still glared at me, i felt weirdly calm, then out of no were ripped up the paper screamed and fell to the floor, i mean no one was home i could do what i liked, i couldn't help it- i no i am a drama queen, but in the best way! I sat crunched on the floor and realised oh fuck am meant to be meeting a friend to go see a play at central (MEDEA) and had to rush off leaving my scrunched up letter on the door step. I put my ipod on and looked up at the most beautiful blue sky, kinda felt like god was saying life can still be beautiful even when we feel like everything is against us, i did feel like i wouldn't get a recall though, i mean the last few days had too many nice things happening, life isn't meant to be like that. This set back i suppose feels like being mugged, it has made me more weary and made me realise that i have got to not always see the best in things, sometimes life isn't going to work out , even when we put our heart on the line. Its frustrating hearing the " young" thing - you look young , you are young" - how do you no! i no i look it and am , but unfortunately in my mind i am not, i have lived through hard things and i had to grow up, i just hope that one place will see me for that and take me seriously even though i am young, i am ready- BRING IT ON BITCH! anyway enough of that rant, so yes i went to see MEDA was really wonderful, the acting was smooth and polished and MEDA was beautiful and so strong, she was such a wonderful part, but i hated how i couldn't stay focussed, one of the greek women in it said" we may not always get our dream, but we may get something that we never imagined" and i cried, bloody hell, i mean seriously i wish my brain would just shut up sometimes and let me live. Anyway i had a lovely time with my friend who came with me, and it was nice to talk and listen, its good to escape and listen to others, as it puts life into perspective. Afterwards i had to go off to a dance class, then a party with the cast of TURN OF THE SCREW a production i was in a few weeks ago, it was really nice, got completely pissed and everyone was really supportive about RADA .Friends are the medicine on this road and getting drunk and having a laugh always helps.
When i was drunk i came up with this theory, drama schools and the auditions are like men, let me tell you why-
ok its like being given 7 men, you are told their traits and personalities and you like them all for different reasons, you are allowed one date with them, and one of them will want you to be their wife, but you have no control over it, all you have are these dates, some will ask you back, some wont.
Bristol have asked me for a final date before they decide, were as RADA just said no don't fancy you, and in  a way it feels a bigger sense of pain because its the one i have always known about since i was little , its the name that always stood out to me, well i mean i thought it was RADAR but thats not the point, it feels like being reject from the boy you always fantasised about , but could never have.
Well that was my drunk verdict, which on looking back i think is probably bonkers, but i like it.
So anyway as my friend told me , i have got to keep swimming, and dive into the next audition regardless of how i feel, i need to keep positive and not look back, its so hard and frightening and sometimes i have doubts, but i wont let that stop me, never!, i wont back down and i will keep on this long and painful road and let it take me somewhere, i want to do it not just for myself but for all the people who have helped and supported me, i want to do it for any one who has wanted a dream all their life and show them it is possible. So i have decided its ok, its not the end of a dream, their are loads of other places still to try, after all its not were you go, its what suits you and what you make out of it, i will be an actor no matter what, and no one will stop me.