The Show Must Go On! ...

On my way to Oxford today, absolutely exhausted, its so hard to keep yourself grounded and keep on believing. I sit here in a little cafe fantasizing about what i really want to be doing right now if i could-

i would be on a beach in greece, with rum and raisin Cart Doore ice cream in my hand, my friends with me and my favorite music playing in the background, their will be cocktails and loads of sexy guys and everything would be perfect. But thats not life is it, and if it were well it would be rather boring after a while. But still right now i feel rock bottom, i don't no what it is, i think its the fear that all of this might be for nothing, that my heart may get completely trampled over. But i have got to risk it, i need to find some faith and the only place i can find it is in myself. 

So even though i feel battered and frightened i have got to keep swimming and push all this negativity away. 

Its going to be nice in Oxford, have no idea what to expect, i have an open day first then an audition so that is good means i can get a feel a school first. 

Maybe i will like it, maybe it will like me, i have no idea any more, for this whole drama school thing is just a mystery to me. 

Any way on the plus side have started up dance class and Zumba and i find it a great way to let off steam and forget about all the other things, its almost christmas as well, now were the hell did that come from? 

I need to get my presents and i need to actually have a rest with my family, which will be nice. 

For any body out their who is going through this process , i really wish i could give you a hug,it horrid isn't it? kinda feel like animals, for after all we are just one person in a world full of millions, its so hard to stand your ground and believe when in rationality it is bonkers the very idea of wanting to be an actor. 

OOooh but i have to say am reading this book by Nick Asburt - Exit Persuaded by a Badger, i brought it at the RSC when i did a course with them in the summer ( very worth while BTW, will put up links to it if any one is interested this summer, and its cheap! ) 

the book is wonderful , i always find it insightful and inspiring reading actors accounts because it gives you faith to hear others thoughts and know that none of us are perfect. I got a quote today through ideas tap which made me think of my utter obsession with wanting to be perfect and how sometimes i need to relax and be comfortable and just go with the flow , the quote said “ their is no such thing as perfection, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence” i like that, it made me think well their is no point trying to do everything perfectly and worrying, i may as well just follow my dreams and the sheer determination and willingness to believe will create excellence. 

oh god i am exhausted lol i wish i could have a personal masseuse! aaah wouldn't that be bliss! anyway i think i need to go and get on my train now- cioa cioa see you in Oxford! 

Its the bitch of living...

So here i am after a long and hard day feeling a little shit, do you want to no why? well let me enlighten you.
I woke up feeling a bit odd, you know when you feel  like you have been whacked over the head with a bat for no reason, just had a weird feeling. But ignored it then as everyone left the house for work i got dressed, i still had this gut feeling when i was in the shower singing the bitch of living to myself , that their was something going to happen, maybe the letter from RADA was coming, i don't no why i felt it , but i did. Any way i got out the shower and thought ok well i am not going to look unless i am completely ready to leave the house( so i didn't) and as i opened the door i saw two letters addressed to me, oh shit , one was from RADA oh god, opened the other one first( just my discount card for seven dials shops cos of actors Centre) but then i had to open the other letter didn't i, i stared down at the carpet for what seemed like hours and then just took the plunge, it felt light- not good sign, and yes i was right , it wasn't good." loved meeting you, but not this year frances, your too young" - oh god my hands shaking , feeling a bit sick i put it back in the letter and then opened it again thinking it would suddenly change, but it didn't, the words no still glared at me, i felt weirdly calm, then out of no were ripped up the paper screamed and fell to the floor, i mean no one was home i could do what i liked, i couldn't help it- i no i am a drama queen, but in the best way! I sat crunched on the floor and realised oh fuck am meant to be meeting a friend to go see a play at central (MEDEA) and had to rush off leaving my scrunched up letter on the door step. I put my ipod on and looked up at the most beautiful blue sky, kinda felt like god was saying life can still be beautiful even when we feel like everything is against us, i did feel like i wouldn't get a recall though, i mean the last few days had too many nice things happening, life isn't meant to be like that. This set back i suppose feels like being mugged, it has made me more weary and made me realise that i have got to not always see the best in things, sometimes life isn't going to work out , even when we put our heart on the line. Its frustrating hearing the " young" thing - you look young , you are young" - how do you no! i no i look it and am , but unfortunately in my mind i am not, i have lived through hard things and i had to grow up, i just hope that one place will see me for that and take me seriously even though i am young, i am ready- BRING IT ON BITCH! anyway enough of that rant, so yes i went to see MEDA was really wonderful, the acting was smooth and polished and MEDA was beautiful and so strong, she was such a wonderful part, but i hated how i couldn't stay focussed, one of the greek women in it said" we may not always get our dream, but we may get something that we never imagined" and i cried, bloody hell, i mean seriously i wish my brain would just shut up sometimes and let me live. Anyway i had a lovely time with my friend who came with me, and it was nice to talk and listen, its good to escape and listen to others, as it puts life into perspective. Afterwards i had to go off to a dance class, then a party with the cast of TURN OF THE SCREW a production i was in a few weeks ago, it was really nice, got completely pissed and everyone was really supportive about RADA .Friends are the medicine on this road and getting drunk and having a laugh always helps.
When i was drunk i came up with this theory, drama schools and the auditions are like men, let me tell you why-
ok its like being given 7 men, you are told their traits and personalities and you like them all for different reasons, you are allowed one date with them, and one of them will want you to be their wife, but you have no control over it, all you have are these dates, some will ask you back, some wont.
Bristol have asked me for a final date before they decide, were as RADA just said no don't fancy you, and in  a way it feels a bigger sense of pain because its the one i have always known about since i was little , its the name that always stood out to me, well i mean i thought it was RADAR but thats not the point, it feels like being reject from the boy you always fantasised about , but could never have.
Well that was my drunk verdict, which on looking back i think is probably bonkers, but i like it.
So anyway as my friend told me , i have got to keep swimming, and dive into the next audition regardless of how i feel, i need to keep positive and not look back, its so hard and frightening and sometimes i have doubts, but i wont let that stop me, never!, i wont back down and i will keep on this long and painful road and let it take me somewhere, i want to do it not just for myself but for all the people who have helped and supported me, i want to do it for any one who has wanted a dream all their life and show them it is possible. So i have decided its ok, its not the end of a dream, their are loads of other places still to try, after all its not were you go, its what suits you and what you make out of it, i will be an actor no matter what, and no one will stop me.

-Back Again With News (But not from RADA)

Hello , one is back had an amazing night last night, i went to see a play at GUILDHALL and i can honestly say i think i cried at least 4 times, it was electrifying wonderful.
I arrived just in time and to my surprise across the room was my friend Andre, he got in last year and he is wonderful , i rushed over to embrace him and was introduced to his friends, i felt like a little kid in a sweet shop, so in awe of these people, its hard being so close to a dream, but telling yourself that it may never happen.
What i loved about GUILDHALL was the collaboration and the beauty of music combined with the raw emotion of acting, it seemed personal and true, i was completely enthralled, but when the lights went down i had to gather up my tears and be brave as i didn't want to look like a wet blanket, i am not, i just wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes when my heart bleeds for something i find it hard to cover up.
Coming home i couldn't help but think of all the things i have got to do in the next few days
-see my friends
-write to agent
-read merchants of venice
-contact teacher
-go to oxford-PACK!
-and christmas shopping!!!!
But then of course i started thinking about the future, my dreams and goals, but where exactly are any of them going to lead me, i had to remind myself that sometimes things do work out , i got into the national youth film academy early , which i am really happy with and am going up for scholarship, and now i am trying to think up ways to earn money so i can afford the course, i am thinking of running to the globe dressed as Shakespeare lol and also doing some cake sales, but i don't no, i just really want to do something to help as well, maybe like quarter of my earnings go to charity,  i want to use my crazy fearless personality to do some good.
Well christmas is approaching now, weird, i mean i cant even keep track of days at the moment, well anyway am off to make mince pies and tidy the rest of my room , and later off to zumba! speak soon! xPS no news from RADA starting to think that my audition was not good, oooh i so want a recall :(

-So the Auditions Begin .......

So it begins, the audition process for drama schools, the rigorous and frightening journey ,that queit frankly is making me feel a little numb and light headed. 

After months of analyzing texts,reading the whole of the national book shop,  becoming a part of actors center and being involved in a production of Turn of the screw,whilst auditioning for random things like TITANIC the broadway musical and at the same time learning my speeches so much that i literally fall asleep muttering my lines. The time had come to say, yes frances your ready to break the ice and dive in to .... AUDITIONS.

The first audition was for Bristol Old Vic,it was last wednesday the 3 of December, i have never felt so scared, driving their listening to magic with my mum blurting out all the classic love songs to distract me from the intense longing and fear within me. 

I remember driving past a huge sign that said believe in miracles and me and my mum just burst out laughing, well we all have to believe don't we, without faith or hope nothing drastic would ever happen. 

I arrived their a little too early so i decided to go to the zoo near by the school, cos after all one of my speeches is about bonobos so i thought i should try and see  if i could see one ( their like chimps) but i couldn't, afterwards my mum left me in the car to go over my speeches and to re play my singing lesson so i could warm my voice up.I stared into the car mirror and felt a weird sense of pain, for it is only the beginning of what i know is going to be a long road.

So it was 4 o clock and time to go in, that odd numbing feeling cast itself over my body as i sat in a small room with a circle of chairs, a boy and girl talking at one side of the room,  and another very intense boy sitting listening to his i pod- i liked the look of him, he looked hardcore! Especially later when i head him go in before me- he sang the bitch of living, weird i listened to that song just before on my i pod and now it echoed through the walls almost comforting me.

Anyway as he went in i got speaking to the others, i found myself reassuring them and being surprisingly confident when inside i just wanted to crawl into a whole and wake up next year knowing were my life will be, but then i looked at my phone- the background says - be brave take risks and allow the unexpected, so i reassured my self it would be ok, i was called in early this nice women took me in and i was introduced to another very jolly man who would be the other auditioner. I sat down and i spoke about my past experience, being truly mad but as i have been told i was JUST MYSELF( the amount of times people have said just be you is now getting silly, so i was just me, for after all you have to go to the school that fits you, not the school that just has the best reputation. 

I did my speeches, i thought i did ok,got nice feedback ,the man even laughed at my Shakespeare( i didn't realize i was being funny)and my song felt really good i found myself singing it just like i do in the shower- don't no if thats a good thing, but it sure felt good! but of course i spent the whole journey home analyzing every detail, certain i would not get a recall as bristol has only two rounds, my poor mum longing for me to be quiet, so we put the music back on and sang and i felt much better. 

By the time i got home i just went straight to bed after watching sex in the city and reading a bit of my Shakespeare book by julian curry- its really good full of famous actors accounts of what it was like working on each play. 

The next two days of waiting were agony i had to keep myself busy-seeing friends, going to guildhalls open day which was btw so nice, the buzz and the energy the school creates made me feel instantly at home and i want to just stay their for ever but instead i tripped up in the big hall right in-front of everyone , really cool ! lol 

I was on the train coming home stressing about my RADA audition which is  (the next day) when i got an email from Julia, who's Julia, i didn't think anything of it,but pressed it out of pure curiosity-OMGOOMG it was from Bristol Old Vic i have been asked to come back for a recall workshop and am so excited ,i sat on the train beaming wanting to scream,i tried to ring my mum but i couldn't get through to anyone TIPCAL, so i sat their sitting like i needed to wet myself as my whole body and face quivered with sheer delight- but at the same time i feel to scared to be super excited cos it is only half way, but still it feels wonderful!

But after that i had to calm down as RADA was the next day, RADA the place  i have dreamed about since i knew what acting was even though i used to call it RADAR (dyslexic!) thankfully i now no the right name! after celebrating my family friends birthday with pear and cinnamon cake-which i made ( good tip baking is good to distract yourself) and then watching a bit of friends i went up to my bed room to sleep. I couldn't sleep though all night worrying and hoping for a good day at RADA- however i quiet simply was just having an awful night sleep- really annoying as i wanted to be on top form, eventually i got to sleep but i had a night mare about being late for RADA and missing the audition not exactly the most comforting dream. I then got up spoke to my mum and had some choco curl cereal and dashed off into the early mourning. 

Surprisingly i felt quiet calm and ready just wanted to keep myself grounded and not think of the horrible statistics against me. Focus on the positive after all my lovely friend Paris got in, and so it does happen!

I got their and it was only 8 20 the school hadn't even opened typical , uber keen, then Sally Power arrived, looked at me oddly as i had been standing their in my huge fluffy hat and listening to matilidas-quiet- and miming the words to myself to keep me calm. she realized i was an auditioning, told me to be quiet and follow her and wait for the lady to open the doors. 

I got in and sat down, got out my big red audition folder and read through the audition procedure again and tried to stay focussed on the goal. 

Another girl came, i liked her straight away and turns out she is friends with some of my old friends, small world ey!

more and more people came and i felt the tension but i just thought oh well lets just enjoy myself, its not often you can perform in-front of such wonderful people like RADA teachers, we all then went into a room and sat around a table and had to fill in some forms- one when we had to write the pieces we do (oh god and i cant spell trollies , and i think i may have spelt Shakespeare wrong), god i hate being dyslexic sometimes!

After this a graduate went to take us to our rooms in the other building to be auditioned, i was second, oooh! first girl! scary stuff, but i just thought no i want this and its going to be ok, even if its not it doesn't matter ,well it does to me, but it wont be the end of the world. 

So i went in, spoke a bit to them, tried to be as relaxed as possible and talk to them just like i would my teacher,Even mentioned i am working as an ELF this Christmas, well i always think its nice to have a laugh because it calms me into the audition process, then into the acting, it went alright i would say. The second one was better. Were as in Bristol the first was better , nevertheless we are only human we cant repeat the same again and again. They did say my second one was too long though and didn't ask to see my other Shakespeare which i have no idea weather or not this is good or bad and is kinda freaking me out now i think about it, again and again, oh god i hate being so analytical. Well anyway now i am writing this and not going to hear back till next tuesday which is my audition at oxford school of drama, so i will write back then, or earlier if i have news. 

Keeping my fingers crossed, i want it so much i have given my heart into it and lets hope something will come out of the hard work and passion <3