On my way to Oxford today, absolutely exhausted, its so hard to keep yourself grounded and keep on believing. I sit here in a little cafe fantasizing about what i really want to be doing right now if i could-
i would be on a beach in greece, with rum and raisin Cart Doore ice cream in my hand, my friends with me and my favorite music playing in the background, their will be cocktails and loads of sexy guys and everything would be perfect. But thats not life is it, and if it were well it would be rather boring after a while. But still right now i feel rock bottom, i don't no what it is, i think its the fear that all of this might be for nothing, that my heart may get completely trampled over. But i have got to risk it, i need to find some faith and the only place i can find it is in myself.
So even though i feel battered and frightened i have got to keep swimming and push all this negativity away.
Its going to be nice in Oxford, have no idea what to expect, i have an open day first then an audition so that is good means i can get a feel a school first.
Maybe i will like it, maybe it will like me, i have no idea any more, for this whole drama school thing is just a mystery to me.
Any way on the plus side have started up dance class and Zumba and i find it a great way to let off steam and forget about all the other things, its almost christmas as well, now were the hell did that come from?
I need to get my presents and i need to actually have a rest with my family, which will be nice.
For any body out their who is going through this process , i really wish i could give you a hug,it horrid isn't it? kinda feel like animals, for after all we are just one person in a world full of millions, its so hard to stand your ground and believe when in rationality it is bonkers the very idea of wanting to be an actor.
OOooh but i have to say am reading this book by Nick Asburt - Exit Persuaded by a Badger, i brought it at the RSC when i did a course with them in the summer ( very worth while BTW, will put up links to it if any one is interested this summer, and its cheap! )
the book is wonderful , i always find it insightful and inspiring reading actors accounts because it gives you faith to hear others thoughts and know that none of us are perfect. I got a quote today through ideas tap which made me think of my utter obsession with wanting to be perfect and how sometimes i need to relax and be comfortable and just go with the flow , the quote said “ their is no such thing as perfection, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence” i like that, it made me think well their is no point trying to do everything perfectly and worrying, i may as well just follow my dreams and the sheer determination and willingness to believe will create excellence.
oh god i am exhausted lol i wish i could have a personal masseuse! aaah wouldn't that be bliss! anyway i think i need to go and get on my train now- cioa cioa see you in Oxford!
